


To Be

by ShimadaGenji



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst with a happy ending?, Blowjobs, FTM, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Sexual assault attempt, Trans Hatake Kakashi, i am burdened by imnsonia and dysphoria so this happened, lots of intimacy issues from kakashi, not very descriptive sex scene, some minor transphobia/misogony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:03:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17358575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShimadaGenji/pseuds/ShimadaGenji
Summary: Kakashi keeps losing control on who gets to know who he isn’t, and for once, he wants it to be his choice.





	To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Kakashi dealing with gender dysphoria alongside the hardships of life. Living and dealing with having his secrets taken from him, and being afraid of himself and finally accepting it.  
> (This is super self indulgent though, let a man have his moment.)

Perhaps his father was the first one to know. But he couldn’t be sure, he was much too young then and his memories (seen through his regular child eyes, stored as any other) were now muddled with the passage of time. But still, he remembers the fond nickname his father used to call him, when his eyes still held a happiness he could barely reminisce.

Kashi-kun.

Apparently, Kakashi was one of the names his father and his mother had planned for him. But they didn’t use it, given they didn’t think it’d fit someone like him.

 

At some point, he had put a mask on.

  


Perhaps his father really did know, but he waited for his son to tell him. Wanted it to be his choice, so that his father could acknowledge it. Or so he hoped, he guessed. Regardless of what he hoped, his father wasn’t the first one he told it to.

It was Jiraiya.

He was his father’s best friend and something akin to an uncle to him. He was weird, eccentric and a little of a bastard, but he was a good shinobi, his name rising through ranks, and most of all, his father respected him. So he trusted him.

So when his father died and all the paperwork had to be filled for the heir of the Hatake clan, he pulled the man’s sleeve and asked if he could fix his name, splattered in ink across all the pages. The shinobi glared at him.

“You are not dropping the Hatake name. Your father made a foolish mistake in the end, but not before it.”

And he just shook his head in response, annoyed. Disagreements for later.

Not that one. The other.

Jiraiya’s eyebrows raised in confusion but then furrowed. There was a long pause before he answered.

“I’ll try.”

 

It didn’t sit well with a lot of people. Many refused to give him this luxury, many others excused it as just another shameful behavior of a failing clan, others couldn’t care less how the pathetic lineage of the Hatake would end (Jiraiya didn’t stick around to argue anyway, but he kept his word).

 

And so he was Kakashi, son of the disgraced Hatake Sakumo.

 

But not for long, for Kakashi worked hard and went beyond expectations. He was a genius and a prodigy. He’d be an exemplar shinobi. He’d start anew.

  


Then there was Minato-sensei. He would learn eventually, after all, he was the one watching over Kakashi (not caring, no one could care). Kakashi should have told him, but at that point, he didn’t see the reason why. The boy (Minato was barely a man back then) was a little dense when it came to those matters anyway, even when confronted with confusing conversations with nurses about papers and bodies. Tsunade would jump in and angrily fix the situation. So Tsunade knew too. He didn’t know when she learned or why she never addressed it, but it made his occasional hospital trips much more bearable. There was only one time Tsunade talked to him about it.

“You need to tell him. Sooner or later he will have to know, and trust me, you’ll want this to be in your own terms.”

 

Tsunade left konoha some time after that, so she never got to tell him ‘I told you so’. After all, she’d been right.

  


Kakashi was 8 and already a successful chunin. He’d already done countless missions with Minato-sensei without a single fail. But not without a single wound. And so there they were, stopping at an inn on the way back to konoha after a successful mission, Kakashi was in the shower, cleaning after himself. Perhaps it was the loss of blood that did it or the exhaustion. Whatever it was, he suddenly collapsed, dragging towels and other things down with him. Minato burst in to his rescue, as worried as he ever got whenever anything got close to Kakashi. In a second he was shooting questions at him, soothing him with words and running hands all over for any new or opened wounds. And then he saw the glaring difference between the both of them and turned red. Figuring out that maybe he shouldn’t stare. There was a second of mortifying looks and embarrassed confusion when he finally sputtered out a question.

“You are still Kakashi, right?”

Yes.

He sighed in relief. Kakashi was surprised he wasn’t mad he kept it a secret from him for so long. He was his only student after all. But not for many years after that. Obito and Rin came along one day, and soon they were a team.

They never got a chance to know.

Everything happened so fast.

 

But then Kakashi had already turned 13, and kids around him all started to change, but he remained oblivious, stuck in his own world of grieving and regret. At least most of them changed. Gai still seemed to glue to him, refusing to leave his side no matter what, annoying him to no end at days like that. He was uncharacteristically angry and ready to snap, but Gai was stubborn.

 

If I fight you, will you leave me alone?

 

Gai accepted the challenge with the brightest of smiles.

Kakashi was intent on kicking the teeth off his face. And he was at the middle of such task, Gai at his feet and one leg already going up to a painful descend when Gai suddenly snatched it, eyes widening in horror.

“Rival! You are hurt! You are bleeding!”

Kakashi had scrunched up his eyebrows, knowing very well he had barely even get hit by Gai to get such injury. He followed Gai’s gaze to his legs and froze. Staring at the blood that soaked through his pants and trailed down his legs. He was an idiot, a stupid, dumb, fucking idiot. And as Gai called after him, he ran. He ran, feeling ashamed and so so stupid, and he didn’t realize he had run to Rin’s house until he reached the front door and suddenly his face paled. How dare he come to her aid after what he’d done? After all he lied?

It was too late now anyway.

He ran again, and when he reached Minato’s house he knocked with hands that barely shook and when Kushina was the one at the door he only froze and stared wide eyed.

She had smiled at him, confused for a single second before she saw the issue.

 

“WHAT THE HELL?!”

 

She was a lot more graceful after that. She gave him the things he needed, a change of clothes and some sound advice.

“You should talk to Minato, he is hokage now, you know? I’m sure he can arrange something with the hospital for you, so you won’t have to go through this again. Have faith in him dattebane!”

He was still ashamed.

But now she knew.

 

When he found Gai the next day, the boy had sheepishly approached him.

“Are you okay, rival?”

When met with an affirmation he had smiled brightly.

“I know my rival is strong, recovering from any hardship is what he does best!”

He didn’t question him any further.

He made sure the mask never left now. He didn’t need anyone seeing him change along them into something else.

 

Kakashi ended up following up Kushina’s advice in the end. But much later. Perhaps so late Kushina had already talked to Minato about it. After all, when he came to his sensei, he already had almost everything ready. Just some tests, a few papers and a few weeks later he was at home with a box with his shot and a special top Kushina had sewn for him. He pushed it close to the only other box in his desk, containing the newly acquired uniform and mask for Hound.

 

Months went by and the sandaime was put back in power, due to unexpected circumstances. He knew the professor knew, but never had the necessity to talk about it risen before. If he thought anything of Kakashi’s predicament when the boy had come with his papers due to some hospital issues with his supplies, he didn’t voice it. And for that he was thankful, despite the sour taste in his mouth for having to open himself like this.

 

It didn’t matter, who Hatake Kakashi was. The boy was almost dead, all there was left was Hound, deadly, cold-blooded Hound. He was a master at mission execution and a perfect captain, and if he knew how to kill a target in thousand of ways, so it was because it was his nature. And if he never once let anyone ever touch him, so it was because he had no soul. His body was a tool for murder, he couldn’t give it to anyone. They couldn’t know.

And so when one day a mission had gone warry, he snapped. When his squad got captured for the slightest moment, hands cuffed with chakra suppressors, cat unconscious, when their enemies started stripping them of their weapons and clothes, when someone got too close, spreading his legs in mockery, _taunting_ and trying to _touch_ him. He snapped. Once again he had his secrets laid bare against his will to others and he got fucking mad. He just needed his legs to stangle the man.

His squad made it back intact.

“We didn’t see anything.” Had said tiger nonchalantly, senbon hanging from his lips, as always.

 

He hated how little control he had over who knew such a personal thing about himself. Was he ashamed of himself for being that way? Was he angry he was so often met with undeserving kindness for it? There were many that still didn’t know. Thanks to Kushina’s idea, Kakashi passed as well as anyone else. His body was almost indistinguishable underneath the binders and boxers. And Kakashi made it his mission to not care to what others called him. Not care if he was cold-hearted Kakashi or Friend Killer Kakashi. But somehow, he was afraid of the idea of being called the last daughter of the Hatake. And so he wouldn’t risk it. He just knew no one _should_ ever _know_ despite how much his body craved the affection. He was cursed anyway.

  
  


And so, at age 21, despite any rumours, Kakashi had never shared intimacy with anyone in his life. And a few months after that he was intent on changing it. Or maybe it was the copious amount of alcohol in his system speaking. Maybe it was the warm smell of his best friend, drowning him as he stuffed his nose into his navel, fingers gliding over underwear and tugging.

Kakashi didn’t know what he was doing exactly, all the experience he had were the  books he read from Jiraiya. He’d never touched something like this and couldn’t possibly know how it’d feel like to have it touched.

And so he did his best. Wrapping his fingers and pulling and tugging his mask down, wrapping his lips around him because he owned Gai that much. And if it was love he’d just deny it. Because Kakashi couldn’t love anyone without dooming them and sure no one could love the lie Kakashi wrapped himself in.

But the way Gai ran his fingers through his hair, occasionally tugging when Kakashi did a thing or other with his hands, with his tongue. The way he’d whimper and squeeze his eyes shut, red splattered across his face and for once trying his best to make as little noise as possible. The way Gai looked at him with a fondness that bordered adoration. If that was a love, Kakashi would pretend he didn’t see it.

 

Gai finished with heavy breathes, panting as Kakashi took his time to breathe as well, cleaning the corner of his mouth with the back of his hands. And as he rose to his feet, Gai caught his wrist gently, talking (for he was unable to whisper) gently to him.

“Let me help you as well.”

Then Kakashi was quick to put that wall between them again.

He was a man. Wasn’t he?

“I know. And I still love you. You are my man of destiny.”

Kakashi shook his head. Was he?

And so he ran away again.

 

It wasn’t until some time later, after another near death experience with Hound that Kakashi finally came back to him. He’d walk into Gai’s house at an ungodly hour (through the window, like always) and leaned against his counter eyes downcast. Did Gai truly love him?

“I do. And that is forever.” Gai had said, resolute. And so Kakashi had walked forward, taking calloused hands into his equally scarred ones. Gently placing them over his body and letting them glide over, caressing skin and learning every shape that made Kakashi, every secret that made him doubt it. And that clearly would make Gai doubt as well.

“I meant what I said.”

 

And finally things went on his terms. With Gai’s hands on him, body pressed as close as it could, lips trailing over sweat slicked skin. Harsh pants and low moans and a desperation for release that Gai seemed glad to provide. And with aching lungs and bodily fluids and Gai’s presence just _there_ , he realized that maybe he could have this. As small of a kindness it was, he could be at peace with this.

He wouldn’t be able to wash the blood from his hands, nor take back the dangerous pile of mistakes from his past. But he could be a man, despite who he was born as.

 

He could be Kakashi. Simple as that. Just to be.

And that was okay.


End file.
